CharredNights - SilverNights - Charlotte

Assorted Thoughts

I must admit that I often envy my past self, who had the time and courage to create art without being too bothered by societal expectations or the harsh realities of adulthood. I was rather ignorant and reckless, as all I had and cared was art.

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Art, since then, has become an innate part of me, flowing through my veins and flourishing in my heart. I've attempted to bury it under the dusts of time and the desire for prestige, but the urge resurfaces repeatedly. However, this resurgence is always held back by my inner uncertainties and a number of external factors. Fearful of pursuing art as a “waste of time”, or as an opportunity cost of something that is “more valued by society”, I fail my artistic desires again and again. Although the fault lies with my own apprehensions, I can't help but blame modern society for undervaluing this essential aspect of the human experience.

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Nonetheless, continuing on, I’d like to venture into various different mediums and subject matters, transcending the constraints that have been set mentally myself. I’ve grown tired of digital art, though it was my only feasible option, given its convenience and accessibility. I yearn to dive deeper into different realms of artistic expression.

 

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Ironically, I've contemplated whether to disclose my age or not, as it has become my greatest fear. The fear of aging haunts me, and the images of missed opportunities and regrets about what I could have been loom large. Comparing myself to my younger self, I often feel like a failure, constantly chasing after every single aspect of life. I'm never content, always feeling inadequate and unskilled compared to my own expectations. I'm perpetually riddled with regret about my choices in the past, present, and future. How can one ever be satisfied with themselves, knowing that there will always be something better in this world?

 

Another topic I'd like to lightly address is the style of my art, which I find increasingly dissatisfying. The thought of erasing all traces of my digital art influences has crossed my mind multiple times. At this stage, I no longer identify with this particular art style, despite the influence it had on me from my environment and peers. In fact, I never had. All I did was to adapt to my environment as an instinct. This isn't to say I dislike digital art; there are many advantages to it that traditional art cannot achieve. Rather, it's the feeling of discontent that has risen within me; it no longer suits me. Its limitations constrain the execution of my thoughts and expressions, reducing the depth and possibilities that should have remained.

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All I need but lack now to create art is time...

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11/12/2023

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To conclude, I’d like to share a few of my favorite music pieces (because why not):